were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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