it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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