My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
