She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
