My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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