i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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