if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
