Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
