You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
