My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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