Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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