just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
