I hate all girls vehemently.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
