apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
