I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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