True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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