i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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