I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
