Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
