I looked at my own cervix.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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