guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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