Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
