apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Sorry my hands just texted you
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
