I miss vodka workout Fridays
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
