I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
