good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
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