you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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