But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
