i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
there is glitter all over my balls
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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