I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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