I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize