Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
