dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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