I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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