I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
