apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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