I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize