i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
