So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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