Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
