had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize