It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
