so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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