the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Come share oat with me in your robe
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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