He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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