So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
