I got chris browned last night
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
