It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just sucked dick on a ferry
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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