This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
PS: I just woke up from my shower
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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