I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
