Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
