awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
