You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
