I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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