The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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