I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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