well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
