Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm always down for nudity.
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