i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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