Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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