peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
