Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
