I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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