we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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